I realize that most people, especially women, face the same difficulties. Generally speaking, this is a love hate relationship. Most people even judge their own value and even their morality according to whether the food they eat every day is “good” or “bad”. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help create a new path through this jungle full of criticism, fear, self hatred, punishment and reward, which constitute the relationship between most people and food.

I realize that most people, especially women, face the same difficulties. Generally speaking, this is a love hate relationship. Most people even judge their own value and even their morality according to whether the food they eat every day is “good” or “bad”. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help create a new path through this jungle full of criticism, fear, self hatred, punishment and reward, which constitute the relationship between most people and food.

Emma’s story – a journey of self love
Yuan Zhong
2021-09-25 13:55:52
https://m.douban.com/note/813388962/?dt_ dapp=1&dt_platform=com.douban.activity.wechat_ moments

(Emma’s Story – a journey to self-love)

I have a very good friend named Emma. Not long ago, she shared a very profound story with me. Her story.

I found the story both painful and incredibly exciting. Over time, as part of her recovery, Emma chose to write her own story. When she shared her manuscript with me, I was particularly surprised that she could tell her story so clearly, with dignity and courage. Well written. Not only that, the story can also heal, liberate and help other readers. I strongly feel that this story should be made public… I propose to post it on my website.

This is a brave story about self discovery and transformation. It comes from the perspective of a young woman who struggles with eating disorders and overcomes them. It was not until I heard (later read) Emma’s story that I knew what a disastrous event it had been! Amazingly, Emma overcame the pain of her soul. This story is not only about overcoming eating disorders, but also about self love, and finally, about the victory of spiritual ascension! It’s a great story. I’m honored that Emma allows me to bring it to you.

If you want to know about self love, self acceptance and compassion, I sincerely recommend this story to you. If you know someone is struggling with behaviors that lead to their self destruction (such as bulimia, anorexia, self injury, addiction, etc.), for heaven’s sake, please show them this story!
After the latest editing and revision, Emma generously decided to provide this story for free on my website. She clearly hopes that the story can be provided for free to all who may benefit from it. Therefore, the PDF version of the story can be found in https://zingdad.com Free download. You are also free to share this story with others, provided that the content cannot be changed or repackaged in any way, and cannot be resold or used as part of any sold products.

———- Zingdad

Emma’s story

This is my personal process from self loathing and self abuse to self acceptance and self love. This is also the story of my fight against eating disorders for 13 years. Writing and sharing this story is a way for me to create meaning in the darkest moments. In doing so, to my surprise, I found that my weakest, weakest and ugliest parts can actually be transformed into my biggest gift to the world. If I can find the courage to embrace, love and finally integrate those seemingly least lovely parts of myself, then I will always be free from guilt and shame, become a real sovereign being, and have the ability to create the reality of my own choice.

For me, finding a way to build a healthy relationship with food requires a long and arduous effort. In the course of my struggle, I realized that most people, especially women, face the same difficulties. Generally speaking, this is a love hate relationship. Most people even judge their own value and even their morality according to whether the food they eat every day is “good” or “bad”. I hope that by sharing my story, I can help create a new path through this jungle full of criticism, fear, self hatred, punishment and reward, which constitute the relationship between most people and food.

Please understand that I do not hold the truth for anyone except myself, and the path of recovery and self love I have found may not apply to everyone. If you have an eating disorder or any other self destructive behavior, I certainly suggest you seek professional help. Everyone must find their own way to return to themselves, but sometimes we can let ourselves receive a little encouragement or inspiration in the process. It helps to know you’re not alone. When I am controlled by deep guilt, shame and fear, I am eager to establish connection, contact and get some words of encouragement. This will have a great impact on me. However, I was trapped in a hell of self loathing, so that I couldn’t find a way to ask for help.

Maybe I wrote this story for me in the past, or for you now. Maybe reading my experience may make you feel less lonely and less desperate, let you know that someone really understands you, and let you realize that you may actually cross the gap of despair and find opportunities for continuous growth and learning at the other end.

So I tell my story, hoping to bring a little light, a little love, a little sympathy
I believe that before our incarnation comes to this place, we will choose an appropriate environment for our life so that we can experience “not self” so that we can accurately discover the full meaning of “self”. For me, this includes choosing a dysfunctional, abusive, conflict ravaged family, a depressed mother who cannot express love to herself or others, and a father who is absent in all aspects. We never “tell” anyone anything that happens in our family, and we have received effective training from a very young age to turn our anger to ourselves.

I often feel as if I picked up the grenades lying on the ground and put them in my body. They can explode “safely” in my body without harming or inconveniencing others. The self-evident message is that I left the problem to myself. I try to occupy as little time, space and resources in the world as possible and keep silent and unobtrusive in order to avoid violent conflict.

As an adult, I can understand how difficult my mother’s life is. She was “trapped” in a marriage without love, and her self-esteem didn’t exist at all. My father often told her that she was fat, useless and disgusting. Their relationship is extremely bad. She became morbidly obese and chronically depressed. She felt unloved, isolated and isolated, which was her legacy to her children.

I gradually believe that if I can get enough praise, do enough and do well enough, I will win the love and recognition I so desperately seek. I think this idea gives me the illusion that I can control my runaway childhood world. I force myself to achieve in every possible field. I did.

I won numerous awards and won the appreciation of everyone, except my most eager person – my parents. When every new achievement doesn’t lead to words such as “well done”, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you”, I will only work harder and harder. I once outlined the fantasy of “golden girl” in my mind. She is me, but she is perfect in all aspects. I will spend hours imagining her details, from her toes to her hair, every part of her is absolutely perfect. She is my goal and my supervisor – a perfectionist tyrant who relentlessly drives me forward.

My biggest fear is to get fat like my mother. I associate obesity with being out of control and women’s weakness and vulnerability. I am afraid that I will become weak, negative and obese when I grow up. This is the way I internalize my father’s judgment on my mother. I am afraid that one day I will grow up and be condemned by him. So, unlike other little girls, I don’t want to grow up at all. When my breasts began to develop, I tied the belt on my chest every night in vain to prevent them from growing up

Food has become my greatest enemy, my deepest fear, my most secret obsession. This is a way to control, give and refuse your love, as well as a reward and punishment. A painful void appeared in my mind, eager to be filled. No matter how short, it is filled with food. In the process of feeding myself, I got temporary comfort and breathing, and temporarily got rid of the devil in my mind.

I had bulimia when I was 20. It’s a little rare to be late. Before that, I was a dancer and slim. However, by the time I was 20, I stopped dancing and realized that I began to develop into a mature female image. Of course, this is my biggest fear, because it symbolizes that I “fall” into a state of weakness, out of control and vulnerability. My eating disorder was a way for me to maintain a sense of control and personal strength, so my silent war began.

Bulimia nervosa bulimia / psychogenic bulimia / bulimia nervosa, commonly referred to as bulimia, is an eating disorder characterized by patients trying to empty after bulimia. Bulimia nervosa represents eating a large amount of food in a very short time, and the emptying behavior is to eliminate the food they eat as much as possible, such as vomiting or taking laxatives. It can also be Can try to lose weight by using diuretics, stimulants, continuous fasting or excessive exercise. Such forced vomiting may lead to joint skin thickening and tooth damage. Bulimia is often associated with other mental diseases, such as depression, anxiety, drugs and addiction, and has a high tendency of suicide and self mutilation. Wikipedia]

My darkest hours – 1

I woke up at 3 a.m. and forced myself to fight the rush of overeating. I feel so empty, so lonely, there is a huge gap in me, and I am eager to fill it. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking of such actions: quietly get out of bed, tiptoe to the kitchen and stuff a bottle of chocolate peanut butter into my mouth. It’s a constant itch I can’t scratch. It’s driving me crazy. I have no choice but to force myself to do it. In the dark, I sat on the kitchen floor, greedily devouring peanut butter. I didn’t turn on the light, so my behavior would become a secret, even for myself.

After the first spoonful, I felt strong relaxation and relief. But after the third scoop, I began to feel disgust, anger, shame and guilt, very, very scared. The feeling of darkness emerged in my heart and began to drown me. I felt like I was about to drown. I need to do something to feel in control, otherwise I will suffocate and lose myself. I have a strong desire to hurt myself, at least I can control it. I dropped the peanut butter bottle on the floor and grabbed it with my hands. My hands were sticky peanut butter, blood, glass fragments and shame. I growled painfully and silently.

My darkest hours – 2

At some point, I began to realize that I was more afraid of being found lying by the toilet with vomit on my face than death itself. In fact, I long for the merciful relief of death. I constantly have morbid fantasies about my death. I fantasized about embolism, heart attack, esophageal rupture, and slow, quiet bleeding to death. Sometimes it’s really hard to escape food. It makes blood rush into my head and beat in my ears. I feel dizzy. It was at that time that I was most afraid of stroke or heart attack.

In most cases, I wash my face immediately after vomiting. But sometimes I will deliberately look at the red mottled face full of sweat and vomit in the mirror and abnormally take pleasure in disgusting myself.

My darkest hours – 3

I’ve been living in fear of discovering my secret. I plan my eating and drinking to the most detailed details. I think about food all day. When I go to the supermarket to buy food, I always believe that people will look at my shopping basket and know what I want to do. I lowered my head, protected the shopping basket with my body, and left as soon as possible. I’ll get home before my partner. When I bring food home, I hide it. I ate very fast and felt as if I were filling the huge void inside myself.

For a short time after eating the food, I felt a burst of relief, comfort and love. Then there was fear, and I knew I had to “get rid of it”. I must calculate the time perfectly. If I wait too long, some terrible food will be digested. If I “induce vomiting” too early, it is very painful to spit out large carbohydrates. If someone visits me at the time of eating or delays, I will feel very panic and anxiety. If I eat at someone else’s house, I will make sure to leave within 30 minutes after eating and go home as soon as possible. Before I go home and do the necessary things, I will keep my body from digesting food.

My darkest hours – 4

I feel like a liar. I absolutely hate hypocrites, but I am the biggest hypocrite of all hypocrites! I tell people I never go on a diet (it’s true) and I can eat whatever I want without gaining weight (it’s also true). Of course, what I didn’t tell them was that 90% of the food I ate was not digested. I’ve been thinking about an advertisement for weight loss products. Its content is like, “every fat man is a thin man waiting to go out”. Well, I’m just the opposite. I have a good-looking, slim and fit body, but a disgusting, out of control fat man is tightly locked in it.

I always worry that someone will smell the vomit in my breath when kissing or hugging me, so I avoid any such contact. Anyway, my esophagus is very sensitive and sometimes painful. I can’t stand being hugged because it really hurts, both physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, every time I vomit, I experience incredibly severe pain. It feels like something is tearing in my body. I often find blood in my vomit. It took me all my courage to really “induce vomiting”. I’ve been bargaining with myself: “I only do it every other day”, or “I only eat very soft, high-fat food”, because these foods spit out more easily than solid and hard food, or “After that, I will be very friendly and gentle to my body. Please let me live again, or at least let me die in bed after everything is cleaned up.” my stomach feels persistent and lingering pain, and I can’t even sleep on my back.

The relief after cleaning up is great. I feel very happy that I have successfully completed “it” again , I survived and I was not found. But this beautiful feeling will not last. Usually, within an hour, I will feel strong loneliness and emptiness, accompanied by the desire to fill it with food at all costs. Then, avoidance, bargaining and the whole merry go round began again. I can eat and vomit up to 3 times a night. This requires a high body , it takes a lot of energy. I take a small amount of antacid to relieve my heartburn and try to keep my teeth. When I wake up every morning, I feel sincerely grateful that I didn’t die at night. I made a new commitment to myself, that is, “stop doing this”. But at night, the darkness crawled back into my heart.

My darkest hours – 5

I go to the gym at least 6 times a week for 2-3 hours each time. I let my body experience incredible bending and folding movement. In aerobics class, before overwork and vomiting, I became an expert who pushed myself to the limit. Then, I relaxed for a moment and exerted myself again. I often felt that I might faint because of exertion, and all the sounds seemed to pass through a narrow tunnel Tao enters my ears. My vision also narrows to a thin focus. At these times, I am most satisfied with being able to completely control my body. If for some reason, I miss a training in the gym, I will become nervous, anxious and afraid, and the impulse to clean up will surge to a frightening level.

This is my life over the past 13 years – a protracted battle against guilt, shame and fear. I have made great efforts to keep my dirty little secrets. I often wonder why I chose this special form of self abuse? I could have been an alcoholic, drug addict or self Mutilator. I suspect I deliberately chose something highly private and imperceptible, Because I don’t want to be noticed. After all, my childhood training made it very clear that I turned my fear, anger and self aversion to myself. At first, I didn’t eat for a while, but the problem with anorexia is that people soon began to notice that you become thin. They seem to think they have the right to ask you to eat or see a doctor. This self aversion mechanism is not suitable I don’t want to attract attention. I want to be alone and exert my hatred on myself in private.

What have I learned? Well, I know what it’s like to grope through the abyss of despair, self loathing, self hatred and fear. I know what it’s like to be completely lonely, isolated and emotionally numb. This planet is a very valuable place. I can recognize the signs and signs along that road so that I won’t go wrong again. I sympathize very much And understanding people in similar situations, I feel as if I can contribute and provide some hope, because I was in that situation. But now I’m back. Most importantly, I really understand and cherish my self-consciousness and self-love, because I know where I come from.

This is a long and difficult journey of self acceptance and self love. I am lucky to have a great, patient and loving partner. He constantly fills my bottomless well of fear and anxiety with love, love and more love. But I should also emphasize that no one can “save” You – you must act on your own. It begins with conscious decisions and choices to change. At that moment, you know you can’t continue your current path.

The conscious decision is to choose to live or die. I think I chose to live.
I believe that when I am ready to make this choice, I have received at least three interventions from my higher self or other spiritual mentors. The first is in the form of dreams:

In a spacious country kitchen, I sat at the table and chatted. There was a huge stone fireplace in the kitchen. There was a slowly rotating fork in the fire with a spitting animal on it. I glanced at the fireplace and realized in horror that the spitting animal was my beloved golden retriever Merlin. What’s more shocking is that he was still alive! I could see the most amazing thing in his eyes Terrible pain, it was slowly burning alive, but there was no sound. It silently accepted the cruelest torture, neither attracted attention to it nor asked for any mercy. I woke up, sweating all over and my heart beat faster.

I know the meaning of this dream too well. In my dream, Merlin represents my body, and I am experiencing the most terrible pain and struggle. Although I hate my body and abuse it endlessly, my poor body continues to serve me without complaint. I realize that I can no longer follow the path of self destruction.

The second intervention was in the form of mantra. When I woke up one morning, the mantra was repeated in my mind again and again. I had never heard this mantra before, so I was sure it was a divine intervention. The mantra was:

“I am a perfect expression of divine love”

It is so powerful because it tells me that my perfectionism is completely unnecessary – at this moment, I am absolutely perfect in all aspects! This spell also affirms my connection with my own divinity.

In addition to this spell, I received instructions on how to use it:

I used to have a terrible habit of looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself how disgusting I am. I always belittle myself in my mind and scold myself for being “stupid”, or “fat”, or “disgusting” At every moment of the day, I will recall in my mind again and again all the seemingly stupid things I have said or done. At night, it is difficult for me to fall asleep because I can’t stop repeating in my mind all the “mistakes” I have made during the day And hate myself for them. This situation must stop. Whenever I have a negative idea about myself, I have to replace this negative idea with my spell. I keep repeating this spell until the negative idea disappears. At first, I think it’s silly. Of course I don’t believe what I say, but gradually I begin to feel that it’s more and more real.

At some point soon after, I began to be able to calmly face the urge to overeat. With the efforts of well-trained professionals and myself, I did a lot of work inside myself and overcome many personal bad habits. I realized that even if one successfully solved the self-esteem problem behind eating disorders, there are still bad habits that need to be changed. I think it’s like a big mistake All kinds of connections in the brain, it needs to be rewired.

Giving up the habit of overeating really made me gain weight (about 15kg). But at least now the body shape I present to the world is a true reflection of what I eat. I don’t limit myself – I eat what my body wants, and I have reached a good state myself. However, I really don’t like the shape and size of my body now.

At the same time, my sense of self-love and self-esteem is also growing rapidly. I began to really think I am valuable, and began to really love and trust my body. Now I am ready to solve the problem of my overweight.

Around this time, God’s third intervention came. This is the symbol I received in my dream:

The instruction I received in my dream is to draw this symbol on the inside of my wrist every morning. It will remind me to trust my body. It will strongly indicate my intention to always maintain connection and trust with the inner divine spark. It creates a very effective and action-based visual reminder for my intention.

Whenever I feel fear or anxiety, I look at the symbol and remember to trust it. At that time, I had no preconceived view or connection to the symbol, but when I later found it in a symbol dictionary, my spine was cold.

Obviously, this is the symbol representing the sun, or the creative spark of divine consciousness existing in each individual. It connects the individual with the source and origin of life, so as to make the individual become the creator of his own reality. In any way, it is a perfect symbol for me! For several months, I have painted this symbol on the wall with an eyebrow pencil every morning On the inside of the wrist, every time I look at my symbol, I am reminded that I am indeed a perfect expression of divine love! My ego doesn’t need to try to “do” anything, or “force” anything, or “control” Anything, especially my whole body. In this life, my body and my essence are the creative sparks of divine consciousness. I can create any reality I choose to create, as long as I let the ego go away and allow me to be myself!

I also found that it is a symbol of the heart. In addition, in Hindu tradition, it symbolizes the integration of men and women. I have always done very well in the ego driven male model, but now it is necessary to love, accept and integrate the heart driven female model, so as to become a complete and functional existence. This will be achieved by connecting my heart.

Generally speaking, we think we have to “control” our bodies Our diet and exercise programs to gain and maintain a healthy weight and body shape. However, my problem has never been lack of control! On the contrary, the fact is that I neither trust my body nor myself, so I try to exercise absolute control over all aspects of my life. The challenge I face is to have the courage to give up some control.

I decided to trust and listen to my body. I decided to eat what my body told me to eat, rather than trying to limit my calorie intake in order to lose weight. I wanted to overcome my fear of food. It took great courage to make this decision, because I was afraid that if I listened to my body, I would eat everything I saw and become fatter. However, I would never Trust my body for three months and see what happens.

A miracle happened!

I find that if I really listen to my body’s needs, I find that my food choices are completely different from what I do when I control myself. In my logical thinking, my body sometimes makes strange choices. Sometimes, my body needs far more fat or protein than I allow; at other times, I actually need far less food than I allow I think I need it. But most of all, I find myself making healthier food choices than ever before.

With the deepening of the trust relationship between me and my body, I gradually lost weight until I reached a stable weight. However, more importantly, my body became healthier and felt better than in the past few years. The stable weight I reached was much heavier than when I suffered from bulimia, but I think it is a healthy weight for my size and age.

I feel like a recovering addict. Although I’ve never been addicted to any substance, I’m addicted to destructive thinking and behavior patterns. I know it’s easy to get back to the original state. I don’t go back. That’s the choice I make every day. Sometimes my self-esteem is hit or I feel tired or stressed, “golden girl” I will come back to life in my mind and begin to ridicule me with my body’s imperfections. I begin to worry about my mistakes and failures like a little hound with a bone in its mouth. The only way to solve this problem is to connect my heart and send love to myself. Sometimes, in moments of self doubt or self disgust, I still need to take out my spell, but these moments are less and less, It’s getting farther and farther away now.

The emptiness of my existence is now filled. This is an interesting metaphor for my recent feelings: I used to feel like an Easter hollow chocolate egg, but now I feel like a solid chocolate from beginning to end! I feel set, calm and complete to some extent, which I couldn’t imagine in the past.

I found deep love and appreciation for my body. I believe I am the link between body and spirit. I believe I have the responsibility to manage my body. In return, my body makes me experience the amazing miracle of physical reality. Of course, I am not my body, and my body does not “contain” My soul. On the contrary, in order to fully experience and learn this three-dimensional reality, my soul manifests and expresses my body. As the expression of my soul, my body is definitely designed and “tailored” for the experience and learning of my life Yes. I believe that the human body agrees to act as a training ground for us fledgling creator beings to learn how to create our own reality. Therefore, if I look at my body, I will see the perfect reflection of my thoughts and intentions.

As I grew older, I began to see changes in my body, which shocked me not long ago. But somehow, I can now face wrinkles, white hair and an extra few kilograms of weight more calmly. The wrinkles around my eyes witnessed thousands of laughter shared with my friends; and the excess “fat” on my waist It reminds me of the delicious food and wine shared with my relatives. Growing old and eventually dying is an important part of our ongoing soul exploration. Once we understand and find out what we want to do when we come to this place, we must exhale again and release this body and this life, so that we can enter the next exciting experience!

For me, the irony is that when I have a good-looking, young and fit body, I hate it and abuse it physically, emotionally and verbally. Now, my body becomes softer, rounder and older, away from “perfection” Further, but I love it wholeheartedly! I have a conscious and continuous love for my body. It is indeed my love. I try to treat my body like my love. This includes looking at its “shortcomings” with gentle eyes ! I use my heart to see, not my eyes. My body is perfect in all aspects. No sophisticated instrument or the most advanced engineering technology can compare with the magical complexity and fine tuning of the body.

How can I not thank and marvel at this miracle that is obvious in my daily life!
So, in a word, if you don’t have self love and self-esteem, how can you find them? The best advice I can give is as follows:

Imagine what it would be like if you loved and respected your life, yourself and your body? Imagine feeling comfortable, happy, free, excited and confident in your skin, and really love life and yourself. Close your eyes as much as possible every day to create that feeling for yourself.

What you need to understand is not “reality” You create the feeling, but your feeling creates the reality of your life. Therefore, by creating this feeling, you will create the life reality brought by this feeling for yourself. In practice, this means that you create a feeling of loving and respecting yourself. Treat yourself as if you love and respect yourself, and treat yourself as if you love and respect yourself Talk. It’s a way to create reality in which you really love and respect yourself. I think it’s a version of “pretend until you succeed!” but it’s really useful to me.

Another way is to show love to others. In Gandhi’s words, “be the change you want.” If you really want something, give it to others first. Because if you can give something to others, it means you already have what you want! Isn’t it amazing? So if you want to experience the love and respect of others for you, you should give others love and respect first. If you want to feel connected with you, you should first Pick up others. You will find that over time, for yourself, you will definitely experience love and respect, as well as the sense of connection you desire.

Finally, use positive and happy things to enrich your mind, so that positive and happy people around you. Find new hobbies, take a candle bath, often use perfume and moisturizing lotion, often stroll in nature.

Ask yourself, “if this is my beloved body, how should I treat it?” Because it is of course your beloved body! Therefore, treat your beloved body with love, care and respect, just like the body of the person you love. Do what you really like and love. Constantly strive to create the realistic feeling you want, you can’t help creating self-love and self-esteem.
And no matter what you do, don’t give up. We often give up before the turning point comes and before we begin to see the results. How incredibly sad it is to do so! Changing your life habits requires some time, a lot of effort and firm determination. This is the most important work you’ve ever done. What other options do you have

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